My Marriage had taken a 7-10 split and along with my Pride the ex-wife took the kids.

Good ol' (and new) Relient K still hits home. Every lyric can pierce your heart and tell you what you don't even know about yourself. Then put it right back together with the words that assure you things will be ok. That's all I want to do is be ok. These cries for friends aren't to be taken lightly. I need you guys. Some sort of fellowship to share laughter and tears. My time is limited...

TA TA FOR NOW BITCHES!!! (I still have a sense of humour. HumoUr because I'm English.)

Cut from the Team

These days you have to be careful who you rely on and trust. I just need a friend. There's only so much I can do and talk to myself.

Talking to myself is getting boring and I'm kind of annoying.

Two's Company, One's Alone. The Number Game.

74 days until BMT (Basic Military Training).
- I can't wait to go and experience new things. Meet new people. Build new relationships. I can't do any of this at home, it seems. It's tear jerking, heart wrenching, but most of all lonely. This is a chance I have been so privileged to even been given. A chance to find me in whole, with God along my side, of course.

6 months.
- These past six months have been testing. I've passed and I've failed but the outcome always seemed to be average. With an A+ pretty often. Kaitlin grabbed my heart and ran with it. She never slowed down to let me catch up and take hers back. I was so close to her heart before she said she had to let me go. It's what God wants, she says. I can't deny a power that I can't fully understand. I love her. God, I love You through her.

1 day.
-Today was day one without a word from Kate. She asked if I'd be fine. "Of course, I will," and as I assured her I told her she'd be fine too. She told me she was proud of who I had become these last 6 months. I was too. Man today bit me hard. But I fought back. Sure, a tear dropped every now and again, but in all reality it's because I had glimsped eternity in her soft green eyes. I saw Him. But I know I'll see Him again soon. He has His ways and I can't wait for the next.

Eternity.
- I have decided months ago that I have given my life up and that's why I continue to do. Until the day I die, where I will be reunited with the King.

If there is one thing you learn from this, take the message of Love God sends. Jesus gives us the love we need through many people. The only one we need to settle for is Him.

Where is happiness found?

There is nothing that brings me pleasure anymore. As much as I think I am content, I'm just fooling myself with each and every meaningful word I tell someone else.

I can make you feel as happy as you've ever been with anyone and I that DOES make me happy. I guess I haven't figured out how to please myself. I like making other people happy too much that I'm worn out.

Yeah, I know.

I need a job.
I need to find my relationship with God.
I need a license.
I need my car.
I need to be ready for the "real life".
I need you.

A list of lists

This is going to be a very unorganized way to go about this. But, this is how I'm going to go about this. In no specific order.

1. Pay speeding ticket. (5 months later)
2. Pay TKE bill.
3. Make sure that all other monies stay in my account unless I become extremely hungry.
4. Get into shape that I would consider "in shape".
5. Pursue the Marines.
6. Be back at school with friends that truly are my family.

Trying to catch a breath.

I can no longer have a social life. Something is weird. Maybe I'm depressed. I constantly think about how things are going for me and compare them to all of my friends. If I'm not already drowning out the silence with music then the room across the hall has that covered; with screaming giggling girls and guys that would give anything have them alone while they giggle. I can't take it anymore.

I'm a loner.

If I drew my hood now and left for the night, would anyone know? Doubtful. Therefore, I'll go where no one has to care for me. Where no one has to think about me. I will be a Marine.

The few.
The proud.
Me.

"Starting over somewhere new"
"Starting new somewhere else"

What are those, you may ask? Recent google searches I have done.

I owe money in places that I don't even know. I just want to leave. California couldn't seem any sunnier and more Josh-wanting now than ever. I don't have much to say about it.

It's just what has been on my mind constantly over break. I want to make new connections. I want to meet new people. I want new. Period. Literally, a period.

Pacific Ocean, see you soon.

Love/want,

Josh

Dead for Days (Calling all friends)

My life is corrupt. Filled with things that don't need to be here. If I saw myself as I am now from years ago, I would be dissappointed. An alcohol-drinking, weed/hookah-smoking, girl-hating asshole.

As any other thing that I do, I'm simply over-thought. I'm tired of thinking. As I stated before, timing's everything. And now, as another one of those nights that the room is my own and I'm alone, acoustic songs with cleverly written lyrics, a deep, yet simple melody is played and cherry topped with a voice that I could only wish for. With the music, my mind flows with endless possibilities.

Now, I know you're not supposed to dwell on the past, but I enjoy who I once was. A kid that had friends that didn't rely on alcohol or drugs to get by a boring night. Boring nights were the shit. One friend that I could trust anything and everything with. That I can still trust to this day even though we never talk. I seem to have traded a best friend for people that I "bond" with.

This is random as shit. But I've got tears, so I can say whatever the fuck I want in whatever order I want. Fuck you, I'm not a part of your system. I can sit in this room for hours. Days. Sure, people will come in an out as I leave the door unlocked as to welcome anyone a chance to get to know me. Shit, to say hi. But the usual happening goes like this. A knock. An opening.

"What's up?"
"Have you seen Trent?"
"No."
"Okay."
End scene.

I'll just turn back around to this computer screen where F5 still doesn't change anything. It doesn't refresh me or my life. Does anyone care? I mean really. I've just decided to go on a personal hiatus. If that even makes sense. I'll see if anyone notices.

Timing's Everything

Failure, accomplishment, love, hate.

Is it even possible to feel so many things at the same time?

What's an oxymoron anyways?

I'm beginning to believe the whole, "Don't look for it, it will find you." Because I think it did.

I don't want to say, type, or even think that it's anything because building your hopes up makes it easier to tear them down with an oh-so figurative wrecking ball. But at least I can start the day with a smile before I realize class starts in 10 minutes.

Speaking of dreams and waking up, (not wanting to wake up from this one) the alarm clock is becoming an essential part of my existence. It's what keeps me in check. It gives time life and at the same time taking time from mine. Equipped with alarms, radio, LED lights, iPod dock... It's a modern day Swiss Army Knife. Might as well cut me with how sharp and precise the numbers it shows are. It makes sure that I wake up everyday though. To live life and experience all the time that it wants to take away.

Time keeps going and so do we.