My Marriage had taken a 7-10 split and along with my Pride the ex-wife took the kids.

Good ol' (and new) Relient K still hits home. Every lyric can pierce your heart and tell you what you don't even know about yourself. Then put it right back together with the words that assure you things will be ok. That's all I want to do is be ok. These cries for friends aren't to be taken lightly. I need you guys. Some sort of fellowship to share laughter and tears. My time is limited...

TA TA FOR NOW BITCHES!!! (I still have a sense of humour. HumoUr because I'm English.)

Cut from the Team

These days you have to be careful who you rely on and trust. I just need a friend. There's only so much I can do and talk to myself.

Talking to myself is getting boring and I'm kind of annoying.

Two's Company, One's Alone. The Number Game.

74 days until BMT (Basic Military Training).
- I can't wait to go and experience new things. Meet new people. Build new relationships. I can't do any of this at home, it seems. It's tear jerking, heart wrenching, but most of all lonely. This is a chance I have been so privileged to even been given. A chance to find me in whole, with God along my side, of course.

6 months.
- These past six months have been testing. I've passed and I've failed but the outcome always seemed to be average. With an A+ pretty often. Kaitlin grabbed my heart and ran with it. She never slowed down to let me catch up and take hers back. I was so close to her heart before she said she had to let me go. It's what God wants, she says. I can't deny a power that I can't fully understand. I love her. God, I love You through her.

1 day.
-Today was day one without a word from Kate. She asked if I'd be fine. "Of course, I will," and as I assured her I told her she'd be fine too. She told me she was proud of who I had become these last 6 months. I was too. Man today bit me hard. But I fought back. Sure, a tear dropped every now and again, but in all reality it's because I had glimsped eternity in her soft green eyes. I saw Him. But I know I'll see Him again soon. He has His ways and I can't wait for the next.

Eternity.
- I have decided months ago that I have given my life up and that's why I continue to do. Until the day I die, where I will be reunited with the King.

If there is one thing you learn from this, take the message of Love God sends. Jesus gives us the love we need through many people. The only one we need to settle for is Him.

Where is happiness found?

There is nothing that brings me pleasure anymore. As much as I think I am content, I'm just fooling myself with each and every meaningful word I tell someone else.

I can make you feel as happy as you've ever been with anyone and I that DOES make me happy. I guess I haven't figured out how to please myself. I like making other people happy too much that I'm worn out.

Yeah, I know.

I need a job.
I need to find my relationship with God.
I need a license.
I need my car.
I need to be ready for the "real life".
I need you.

A list of lists

This is going to be a very unorganized way to go about this. But, this is how I'm going to go about this. In no specific order.

1. Pay speeding ticket. (5 months later)
2. Pay TKE bill.
3. Make sure that all other monies stay in my account unless I become extremely hungry.
4. Get into shape that I would consider "in shape".
5. Pursue the Marines.
6. Be back at school with friends that truly are my family.

Trying to catch a breath.

I can no longer have a social life. Something is weird. Maybe I'm depressed. I constantly think about how things are going for me and compare them to all of my friends. If I'm not already drowning out the silence with music then the room across the hall has that covered; with screaming giggling girls and guys that would give anything have them alone while they giggle. I can't take it anymore.

I'm a loner.

If I drew my hood now and left for the night, would anyone know? Doubtful. Therefore, I'll go where no one has to care for me. Where no one has to think about me. I will be a Marine.

The few.
The proud.
Me.

"Starting over somewhere new"
"Starting new somewhere else"

What are those, you may ask? Recent google searches I have done.

I owe money in places that I don't even know. I just want to leave. California couldn't seem any sunnier and more Josh-wanting now than ever. I don't have much to say about it.

It's just what has been on my mind constantly over break. I want to make new connections. I want to meet new people. I want new. Period. Literally, a period.

Pacific Ocean, see you soon.

Love/want,

Josh